You have a mate you love, you want it to be the best relationship it can be – but things keep getting in the way.

Here’s the golden key to keeping your love vibrant and alive: If it’s intense it’s your own.

If you have an intensely unhappy reaction to your mate, it’s yours. It comes from you and you are the only one who can handle it.

Many of you already know this and are practicing it. You’ve found out the joy of taking responsibility for your own actions, and the beauty of the love that arises between you and your partner when you do this.

Many of you have benefitted from the Internal Family Systems approach. You learned that your defensive, angry, or distancing reactions to your partner are your Firefighters, protecting your Exiles from further hurt.

You’ve learned that the best way to deal with your Firefighters is to acknowledge and love them. No longer do you have to avoid, judge, or fight your own reactions.

You’ve met the hurt little boys and girls that are being protected, and you’ve let them know you are there with them.

If some of this is new to you, or you’d like a refresher, there are two books on IFS and couples – “Bring Yourself to Love,” by Mona Barbera, and “You are the One You are Looking For,” by Richard Schwartz.

Now you can take it to a new level.

Take the 30 day challenge.

Many people will tell you the benefits of doing something steadily for 30 days. They say it’s a full lunar cycle, and it penetrates into your unconscious. They say it builds confidence in yourself, and that having an action plan helps you change effectively. The IFS approach says that if you do something regularly, every day, without fail, your parts will trust you more.

You’ve probably been told that you need to be positive to make change happen. Well, it’s sort of true – but how do you get positive?

Paradoxically, the best way to get positive is to look with compassion and love at what’s in the way. And that’s exactly what you will be doing in the 30 day challenge.

Are you ready? Here it is! It starts on the next page so you can print it out and use the daily log pages.

(For more info: www.monabarbera.com, www.selfleadership.org)

30 Day Challenge
If it’s intense, it’s my own

Suggested reading: Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy, chapters 3 and 4
The intention: I commit to looking at myself when I have lost connection, calm, clarity, courage, compassion, curiosity, confidence or creativity. If my reactions to my mate are intensely disturbing, I will look at them as my own. I will do this 100%, with complete focus on myself. I commit to doing this 30 days in a row. For maximum results, I will start at day 1 if and when I miss a day, so that I do this for 30 days in a row.

Note: If you need some extra help along the way, Internal Family Systems therapists are in almost every state, and if you don’t want to go into an office, only a phone call away. Go to www.selfleadership.org to find one.

My start date:
My end date:

Why I am doing this (keep adding reasons to this as you go along – attach another page is you need more space!):

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What gets in the way. For each obstacle, write what you will do to overcome it. Keep adding more obstacles and solutions as you go along – attach another page if you need more room:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

My daily log (Fill this page out every day) Date _________. Day number __________.

What my partner was doing when I had an intense reaction and how I responded:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Was it a Firefighter and why (see list, chapter 3, page 24)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What was my Firefighter protecting – see, feel, hear the Exile that is being protected. Connect with it and let it know you are there and you understand.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Appreciation for my Firefighter (thank you for protecting me, you are so skilled at _____, etc.)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

If your Firefighter would allow you, what could you have done differently? How could you have given better back or maintained your Self qualities even if your partner didn’t change?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

30 Day Challenge Review (Dates of the challenge:__________)

What I am most proud of:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Firefighters I met and appreciated:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hurt parts I met:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What surprised me the most:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What I need to do now:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

You have a mate you love, you want it to be the best relationship it can be – but things keep getting in the way.

Here’s the golden key to keeping your love vibrant and alive: If it’s intense it’s your own.

If you have an intensely unhappy reaction to your mate, it’s yours. It comes from you and you are the only one who can handle it.

Many of you already know this and are practicing it. You’ve found out the joy of taking responsibility for your own actions, and the beauty of the love that arises between you and your partner when you do this.

Many of you have benefitted from the Internal Family Systems approach. You learned that your defensive, angry, or distancing reactions to your partner are your Firefighters, protecting your Exiles from further hurt.

You’ve learned that the best way to deal with your Firefighters is to acknowledge and love them. No longer do you have to avoid, judge, or fight your own reactions.

You’ve met the hurt little boys and girls that are being protected, and you’ve let them know you are there with them.

If some of this is new to you, or you’d like a refresher, there are two books on IFS and couples – “Bring Yourself to Love,” by Mona Barbera, and “You are the One You are Looking For,” by Richard Schwartz.

Now you can take it to a new level.

Take the 30 day challenge.

Many people will tell you the benefits of doing something steadily for 30 days. They say it’s a full lunar cycle, and it penetrates into your unconscious. They say it builds confidence in yourself, and that having an action plan helps you change effectively. The IFS approach says that if you do something regularly, every day, without fail, your parts will trust you more.

You’ve probably been told that you need to be positive to make change happen. Well, it’s sort of true – but how do you get positive?

Paradoxically, the best way to get positive is to look with compassion and love at what’s in the way. And that’s exactly what you will be doing in the 30 day challenge.

Are you ready? Here it is! It starts on the next page so you can print it out and use the daily log pages.

(For more info: www.monabarbera.com, www.selfleadership.org)

30 Day Challenge
If it’s intense, it’s my own

Suggested reading: Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy, chapters 3 and 4
The intention: I commit to looking at myself when I have lost connection, calm, clarity, courage, compassion, curiosity, confidence or creativity. If my reactions to my mate are intensely disturbing, I will look at them as my own. I will do this 100%, with complete focus on myself. I commit to doing this 30 days in a row. For maximum results, I will start at day 1 if and when I miss a day, so that I do this for 30 days in a row.

Note: If you need some extra help along the way, Internal Family Systems therapists are in almost every state, and if you don’t want to go into an office, only a phone call away. Go to www.selfleadership.org to find one.

My start date:
My end date:

Why I am doing this (keep adding reasons to this as you go along – attach another page is you need more space!):

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What gets in the way. For each obstacle, write what you will do to overcome it. Keep adding more obstacles and solutions as you go along – attach another page if you need more room:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

My daily log (Fill this page out every day) Date _________. Day number __________.

What my partner was doing when I had an intense reaction and how I responded:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Was it a Firefighter and why (see list, chapter 3, page 24)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What was my Firefighter protecting – see, feel, hear the Exile that is being protected. Connect with it and let it know you are there and you understand.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Appreciation for my Firefighter (thank you for protecting me, you are so skilled at _____, etc.)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

If your Firefighter would allow you, what could you have done differently? How could you have given better back or maintained your Self qualities even if your partner didn’t change?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

30 Day Challenge Review (Dates of the challenge:__________)

What I am most proud of:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Firefighters I met and appreciated:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hurt parts I met:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What surprised me the most:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

What I need to do now:
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Remember — listen to the parts that don’t want to give better back, that don’t want you to succeed, that don’t want you to be compassionate and connected when your spouse hurts or disappoints you.

These dissenting parts are your protectors, there since childhood, when you needed them.  They deserve your respect and appreciation.

Take a moment and find those gatekeepers, those protectors, those attackers ready to jump out in front of danger for you.  Acknowledge what they do.  Understand their good motives.  Even — love them.  See what happens and let me know.

There is much wisdom is setting your intention on what you want in your relationship.

But there is an essential second step.  The Internal Family Systems model, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, helps us understand what to do.

Once you set your intention (Be kind to my partner, control my anger, be compassionate, speak the truth with clarity and calm, etc.) you may encounter a surge of energy and success - and then you could find yourself failing.

You don´t have to feel ashamed or say to yourself, “I´m a failure - the Secret doesn´t work for me!”

You can use your “failures” to go forward.

Here´s how to do it:

1.  Listen inside yourself.  You may hear parts of yourself speaking about why you cannot or should not proceed to your goal.  You may hear something like:

- I can´t be kind to my partner - he is not giving me what I need.

- I can´t control my anger - I need it to make him or her change.

- I can´t be compassionate when I´m not getting what I want.

- I can´t speak the truth - he or she will get angry at me or leave me.

2.  Many people will tell you to stop this “negative thinking” inside yourself.

3.  Do the opposite! Instead of trying to stop these thoughts, listen to them.  Don´t try to quiet your mind - listen to what your mind is saying to you.

4. Think of these messages as friends with something good to say.   It doesn´t make sense at first, but if you listen with true curiosity, you will find the good and the intelligence in these seemingly interfering thoughts.

Try it! You may be surprised at how productive it is.

Here´s an example of a real person who tried this.

I was angry at my husband for not always locking the doors at night.  I was just about to start yelling at him again, even though I had gotten angry so many times and it only led to days or even a week of silence and disconnection.

I was doing the exercises from “Bring Yourself to Love” so I went inside and listened to my angry part.  It was very convinced that my husband was the problem and he should change.  I was patient and I kept listening.

I remembered a time when I was 6 years old and I got hit by a car because my parents weren´t watching me.  They were sittting around the pool drinking, and they didn´t know where I was.  Then I remembered when I won the best student prize at school, and I showed it to my mother and she said, “I don´t have time for that.  Can´t you see I´m busy?”

While I was thinking about all this,  my husband said, “I know you´re upset about the doors at night.  I am going to really make it a point to lock the doors when I come in.”

I was so surprised!!  He never said anything like that before.  I always got angry at him, and he´d get angry back, or say how I didn´t lock the windows, or I didn´t leave the outside lights on.

I think that he was able to say that to me because I wasn´t angry.  I was listening to the parts inside me who had reasons to be upset, but not about the present.  When I didn´t dump it on my husband, he actually wanted to give me what I want.

Now you know the secret behind the secret.  It´s hard to believe - until you try it.

-

When the recession hits your marriage it can feel like you’re being trampled by elephants and bitten by mosquitos at the same time.

The elephants are loss of identity from loss of job or putting dreams on hold, loss of self-esteem, and shame from not being able to support the family.

That’s why it’s so hard to talk about money.  Instead of being able to focus on problems and solutions, partners are consumed with shame, guilt, and grief.  And who better to blame for our problems than your spouse?

We blame our spouses because we need relief from the shame, guilt, and loss we feel inside.  We get temporary relief, but then we have to deal with a hurt, angry spouse, and we’ve lost the opportunity to get support when we need it the most.

That’s are bad enough, but the mosquitos will get you too!

When financal stress hits your marriage, it makes so many  of the small moments difficult.  Maybe, “Hi honey I’m home,’ used to lead to a kiss and a smile, and now it leads to a fight that lasts for days.

When partners are worried and stressed, it’s hard for them to connect and support each other in the many small ways that make a home happy.

Here’s what you need to know before you breathe a word about money, jobs, or finances to your mate.

1.    It’s not what you say, but the feeling of connection you have when you say it.  You can say all the right things, but if you aren’t feeling connected with your spouse, it won’t go anywhere.  And when you’re connected and calm, you can say so many things and not get into trouble.  You can even surprise yourself by having fun in a difficult conversation.

2.    when your mate is not responding well, not listening, or not even trying to deal with the problem, maintain your own calm, connection and curiosity and give better back than you’re getting. Say what’s true but drop your agenda and listen.

3.    It’s the hardest and most necessary thing.  You have to catch yourself before you get totally consumed by anger or defensiveness.  Pay more attention to yourself than to what your mate is doing. If you start to get angry, ask yourself why.  You’ll probably find that it has more to do with your own baggage and vulnerability than with your mate.  Anger is always more about our own vulnerability than about our partner’s behavior.

4. It’s not bad to get angry, but you will be more powerful effective, and serene if you calmlysaywhat’s true to you.  And your partner is more likely to hear you.

Don’t think this means “say nice things.”

It means to pay attention to how you are responding, regardless of what your partner is doing, and respond with better energy than you are getting.

Watch a video on giving better back below!

Scenario Two shows how things can often go wrong in a couple interaction. You will see that the figure on the right is innocently standing there, and the figure on the left communicates blame and shame. You’ll see the figure on the right giving back just as bad as he got.

Scenario One starts the same way, but the figure on the right gives better back. See what happens!

The title “Projective Redemption” comes from an academic article by Mona Barbera, Ph.D. in the journal Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy. It’s just a fancy way to say giving better back.