Take the 30 day challenge to bring happiness to your committed couple relationship

30 Days to a Better Relationship

You have a mate you love, you want it to be the best relationship it can be – but things keep getting in the way.

Here’s the golden key to keeping your love vibrant and alive: If it’s intense it’s your own.

If you have an intensely unhappy reaction to your mate, it’s yours. It comes from you and you are the only one who can handle it.

Many of you already know this and are practicing it. You’ve found out the joy of taking responsibility for your own actions, and the beauty of the love that arises between you and your partner when you do this.

Many of you have benefitted from the Internal Family Systems approach. You learned that your defensive, angry, or distancing reactions to your partner are your Firefighters, protecting your Exiles from further hurt.

You’ve learned that the best way to deal with your Firefighters is to acknowledge and love them. No longer do you have to avoid, judge, or fight your own reactions.

You’ve met the hurt little boys and girls that are being protected, and you’ve let them know you are there with them.

If some of this is new to you, or you’d like a refresher, there are two books on IFS and couples – “Bring Yourself to Love,” by Mona Barbera, and “You are the One You are Looking For,” by Richard Schwartz.

Now you can take it to a new level.

Take the 30 day challenge.

Many people will tell you the benefits of doing something steadily for 30 days. They say it’s a full lunar cycle, and it penetrates into your unconscious. They say it builds confidence in yourself, and that having an action plan helps you change effectively. The IFS approach says that if you do something regularly, every day, without fail, your parts will trust you more.

You’ve probably been told that you need to be positive to make change happen. Well, it’s sort of true – but how do you get positive?

Paradoxically, the best way to get positive is to look with compassion and love at what’s in the way. And that’s exactly what you will be doing in the 30 day challenge.

Are you ready? Here it is! It starts on the next page so you can print it out and use the daily log pages.

(For more info: www.monabarbera.com, www.selfleadership.org)

30 Day Challenge
If it’s intense, it’s my own

Suggested reading: Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy, chapters 3 and 4
The intention: I commit to looking at myself when I have lost connection, calm, clarity, courage, compassion, curiosity, confidence or creativity. If my reactions to my mate are intensely disturbing, I will look at them as my own. I will do this 100%, with complete focus on myself. I commit to doing this 30 days in a row. For maximum results, I will start at day 1 if and when I miss a day, so that I do this for 30 days in a row.

Note: If you need some extra help along the way, Internal Family Systems therapists are in almost every state, and if you don’t want to go into an office, only a phone call away. Go to www.selfleadership.org to find one.

My start date:
My end date:

Why I am doing this (keep adding reasons to this as you go along – attach another page is you need more space!):

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What gets in the way. For each obstacle, write what you will do to overcome it. Keep adding more obstacles and solutions as you go along – attach another page if you need more room:
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My daily log (Fill this page out every day) Date _________. Day number __________.

What my partner was doing when I had an intense reaction and how I responded:

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Was it a Firefighter and why (see list, chapter 3, page 24)

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What was my Firefighter protecting – see, feel, hear the Exile that is being protected. Connect with it and let it know you are there and you understand.
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Appreciation for my Firefighter (thank you for protecting me, you are so skilled at _____, etc.)

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If your Firefighter would allow you, what could you have done differently? How could you have given better back or maintained your Self qualities even if your partner didn’t change?
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30 Day Challenge Review (Dates of the challenge:__________)

What I am most proud of:
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Firefighters I met and appreciated:
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Hurt parts I met:
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What surprised me the most:
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What I need to do now:
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