The Secret Behind “The Secret”

You´ve probably heard about or seen the movie and book , “The Secret.”

There is much wisdom is setting your intention on what you want in your relationship.

But there is an essential second step.  The Internal Family Systems model, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, helps us understand what to do.

Once you set your intention (Be kind to my partner, control my anger, be compassionate, speak the truth with clarity and calm, etc.) you may encounter a surge of energy and success - and then you could find yourself failing.

You don´t have to feel ashamed or say to yourself, “I´m a failure - the Secret doesn´t work for me!”

You can use your “failures” to go forward.

Here´s how to do it:

1.  Listen inside yourself.  You may hear parts of yourself speaking about why you cannot or should not proceed to your goal.  You may hear something like:

- I can´t be kind to my partner - he is not giving me what I need.

- I can´t control my anger - I need it to make him or her change.

- I can´t be compassionate when I´m not getting what I want.

- I can´t speak the truth - he or she will get angry at me or leave me.

2.  Many people will tell you to stop this “negative thinking” inside yourself.

3.  Do the opposite! Instead of trying to stop these thoughts, listen to them.  Don´t try to quiet your mind - listen to what your mind is saying to you.

4. Think of these messages as friends with something good to say.   It doesn´t make sense at first, but if you listen with true curiosity, you will find the good and the intelligence in these seemingly interfering thoughts.

Try it! You may be surprised at how productive it is.

Here´s an example of a real person who tried this.

I was angry at my husband for not always locking the doors at night.  I was just about to start yelling at him again, even though I had gotten angry so many times and it only led to days or even a week of silence and disconnection.

I was doing the exercises from “Bring Yourself to Love” so I went inside and listened to my angry part.  It was very convinced that my husband was the problem and he should change.  I was patient and I kept listening.

I remembered a time when I was 6 years old and I got hit by a car because my parents weren´t watching me.  They were sittting around the pool drinking, and they didn´t know where I was.  Then I remembered when I won the best student prize at school, and I showed it to my mother and she said, “I don´t have time for that.  Can´t you see I´m busy?”

While I was thinking about all this,  my husband said, “I know you´re upset about the doors at night.  I am going to really make it a point to lock the doors when I come in.”

I was so surprised!!  He never said anything like that before.  I always got angry at him, and he´d get angry back, or say how I didn´t lock the windows, or I didn´t leave the outside lights on.

I think that he was able to say that to me because I wasn´t angry.  I was listening to the parts inside me who had reasons to be upset, but not about the present.  When I didn´t dump it on my husband, he actually wanted to give me what I want.

Now you know the secret behind the secret.  It´s hard to believe - until you try it.

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