People are asking what to do when the recession hits their marriage.

They want to know, “How do we get through tough times and stay connected? How can we talk about the big issues?  We both get so defensive.

When the recession hits your marriage it can feel like you’re being trampled by elephants and bitten by mosquitos at the same time.

The elephants are loss of identity from loss of job or putting dreams on hold, loss of self-esteem, and shame from not being able to support the family.

That’s why it’s so hard to talk about money.  Instead of being able to focus on problems and solutions, partners are consumed with shame, guilt, and grief.  And who better to blame for our problems than your spouse?

We blame our spouses because we need relief from the shame, guilt, and loss we feel inside.  We get temporary relief, but then we have to deal with a hurt, angry spouse, and we’ve lost the opportunity to get support when we need it the most.

That’s are bad enough, but the mosquitos will get you too!

When financal stress hits your marriage, it makes so many  of the small moments difficult.  Maybe, “Hi honey I’m home,’ used to lead to a kiss and a smile, and now it leads to a fight that lasts for days.

When partners are worried and stressed, it’s hard for them to connect and support each other in the many small ways that make a home happy.

Here’s what you need to know before you breathe a word about money, jobs, or finances to your mate.

1.    It’s not what you say, but the feeling of connection you have when you say it.  You can say all the right things, but if you aren’t feeling connected with your spouse, it won’t go anywhere.  And when you’re connected and calm, you can say so many things and not get into trouble.  You can even surprise yourself by having fun in a difficult conversation.

2.    when your mate is not responding well, not listening, or not even trying to deal with the problem, maintain your own calm, connection and curiosity and give better back than you’re getting. Say what’s true but drop your agenda and listen.

3.    It’s the hardest and most necessary thing.  You have to catch yourself before you get totally consumed by anger or defensiveness.  Pay more attention to yourself than to what your mate is doing. If you start to get angry, ask yourself why.  You’ll probably find that it has more to do with your own baggage and vulnerability than with your mate.  Anger is always more about our own vulnerability than about our partner’s behavior.

4. It’s not bad to get angry, but you will be more powerful effective, and serene if you calmlysaywhat’s true to you.  And your partner is more likely to hear you.